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Ok i know i am a mess.  I should probably have a handle with care sticker somewhere on my body.  I am 35 and still as lost as i was at 19.  The only difference is i have 1 marriage under my belt.  In the middle of a messy divorce and custody battle.  Not sure if i am worthy of anyone elses attentions let along His.  But he seems to keep bringing them on.  I had a very nice email, one that i will probably commit to memory for ever.  He did admit to me that she wasn't as intrigued by me as we would have hoped.  But he knows I will do better next time.  Um Next time?  does this mean i am getting a chance, she didn't run home and veto me?  I am soo twisted up and turned around that i don't know what is going on half the day long.

I have kiddo back todaty though, and she had a wonderful time with her dad so she is telling me about every minute of their visit.  I will use that to distract myself from over thinking things tooo much.


Yup that was my evening.  Have you ever gotten the feeling that you just tried too hard.  Well that is where i am right now.  I went and got her favorite stuffs to snack on, burnt them in the oven.  Grabbed a foreign movie off of netflix.... One that she hates.   When she kissed me i froze  like i had never kissed another girl before.  Yup my wooing skillz suck!  We will see what comes of all of this.

can we say nervous?

Ok i admit it i am nervous.  I want to run around and scream.  I just want things to go right this evening... is that too much to ask?  The guy that I am dating is out of town this evening.  And he has thought it would be the right time for me and his wife to have some quality time together.  We have all gone out before.  I would consider her and I to be friendly.  But she seems to come with a wall, which well i understand, i have one too you know.  But I know I would really like to move this along to the next step, and from his talking so would he.  But i feel like i am facing the dragon at the gate.  What if she hates me?  What if she really hates me?  will i loose all that i have now?

He has mentioned that he would like us to be intimate, and we have flirted around it in this past week via txt and yahell.  But i really don't know i mean i am really going to have to feel it to act on it.  I have never ever been one to make a first move.  And in the book of submission she is much more submissive then i am.  So even though I would love to wooooo her off of her feet.  I don't know if i even have the skills to do that.  

My head is spinning and i don't know which way to turn.  I know if i fuck this up tonight i can loose him.  Which well would crush me.  So here is to tonight.... *cheers*. 

Missing Her...

 I went and saw my sister today.  I mean see in the way that i went to our place and i sat, and talked.  She has been gone for 5 years now, and every day i miss her more then the day before it seems.  It is my fault that she isn't with us.  And as hard as it is for me to deal with I know that is the truth.  I introduced her to her own death, it took 10 years to kill her but in the end it took her life.    I went to rehab and she went to vegas.  I got better and she got worse.  I went to school, and she had a pimp.  I got a job, she had a child.

I miss her more then everything.  I know she probably hates me and i hate me enough for us both.  Her daughter is 6 years old now and is every bit her mom.  I can hear my sister when i talk to her on the phone. And i see her when they send us pictures.  I just wish she had her mom.

Lucy, I love and miss you more then you could ever imagine.  I am sorry for the road that i introduced you too.  And if we could trade places i would.  

I hate the fall

Ok hate is very strong as i will tell anyone that it is my favorite season... but my allergies are trying to take a hold on me this morning and rock my world.  Don't they know that i have a cute girl coming over tomorrow that i am trying to woooo and it is hard to woooo with snot running out of your nose.   Not to mention the fear that your head is going to explode covering them in your brain matter.

Random friending and community joining.

I know it sounds weird and everyone is leary of the new kid on the block.  But really I don't bite, i don't have a agenda... I am a girl who likes to read... and well likes to write.  and well likes to have what she has written read.  I will be all over the place from my questioning politics.  To my quest on my own spiritual path.  Ups and downs, lefts and rights.  and if you don't like what i have written, that is your choice.  If you want to tell me why, feel free.  I try not to hate :). 

Not my first rodeo!

 Once upone a time there was a girl, a sweet and kid girl.  A girl that fell in love easily and had her heart borked faster then you could blink.  She kept a journal, and wasn't careful with it.  And soon everyone knew about the girl and her exploits.  Her family, her friends and even her bosses.  Well i am that girl.... and this is the new me... The walls are up... I can see over them, but it is hard for anyone to see into them.  I have my armor on.... but i know there are still weak points.  And i still want nothing more then to be loved and feel like i belong.  i have had it a time or two.... but well lately it seems to slip through my fingers.  

Just here to document things as they come along.  Always willing to make new friends, and learn from others.

As long as i have the goddess on my side, it will be good.

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May 2011


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