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alive, barely

being a brittle diabetic sucks.   been in and out of the hospital for over a month now.  mom and dad have bought a lake house in NW Indiana.  will be hidin.g out here for a while.  i dont want to go outside. i dont want to see ppl.  ohb what a life.

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 REally not feeling good tonight.  My sugars seem to be ok, but my mom is all worried so she came over to watch the kiddo and let me get some rest.  I suppose i should do that.  you know instead of lurking the internet hoping for a prince charming.

and that made me smile...

I jsut got a call from the atty i am working for.  To tell me what a great job i am doing.  I went into the office this weekend to pick up soem stuff that i was working on.  while i was there i also picked up his office and organized his desk, just like i used to do.  While i was on the phone with him, there was a knock at the door.... valentines flowers for me, from him.  with a note that said "thank you, i never realized how much i would miss you till you left".  Yes we had more then a work relationship..... and it is possible we could do that again but who knows.  the whole idea that he would think of me enough to send flowers floors me and has me beaming.  My daughter has already stolen one of the flowers and put it in a vase in her room.... she is such a girl.. but then again so am i!

Scrambled thoughts...

So it didn't work out between mr. perfect and i.  well ok he wasn't so perfect.  And it was more of his wife that didn't work out.  But needless to say i was feed a ton of lines... and then one morning i wake up to find the carpet pulled completely out from under me.

We had all gone to dinner the night before, and apparently according to her i acted to childish to deal with.... and her veto was tossed out.  I know i am giggly and really i can be a little flighty.... but i still can't wrap my head around the childish thing.  he says he still loves me, that he still needs and desires me.  but she is first.  and i get that i really do. 

i really wish i had done something horrible.. something truely hate worthy.  i hate that i love him... i hate that i would do anything for him.  all he has to do is ask.  i am the queen of unrequited love.  some days i do question if he ever loved me or if i was just a new warm hole.  he hasn't talked to me in over a month.  but she will randomly send me messages when she sees i am online.  just to check in (she knows i am a brittle diabetic).  she told me that she just couldn't deal with being in a relationship with someone who acted like a teenager... and that pretty much i needed to grow up.

you know what she needs to grow up... she needs to figure out how to be an adult. and realize that not everyone in the world will do and act exactly how she wants.

i hate that i have let this whole situation get to me so badly.  i hate that my daughter has seen me cry over a f'n boy.  and yes i said boy.. bc the way it ended was not the words of a man.



in other news, i have a new job.  Working at home for an atty that i used to work for about a million years ago.  i am really liking it.  working in jammies is the best!

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i got a nudge......

OK OK i promise to post... probably this afternoon.  my brain is a little scrambled right now but i will post i promise! 
he is coming over to talk tonight...... i have a looming horrible feeling....  And this song just keeps haunting me.

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well i?d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images no

Well i?d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted
And i bet you are just fine
Did i make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
 Ok yup i have deicded to do it... i am gonna write part of nanowrimo.  Setting up the outlines in my head currently gonna write them down tonight.... we will see what happens.  

I need something to get my mind off of the chaos brewing around me.  I saw him last night... and yeah i will write about that later.
 Yeah not much to honestly talk about.. this weekend sucked.  while i was gone with kiddo during the day our downstairs neighbors seemed to have decided to set the place on fire.  Nothing of ours was damaged... and the authorities say it is safe to be in our house, but everything smells like smoke.  I am heading back to the laundry mat right now to wash more stuff.  *sigh*

I have not seen him in like a week it seems.  And this weekend even though it is mine with out the kiddo, I won't either.  It is his wifes favorite holiday so he will be spending it with her.  Which I understand... i just wish she was comfortable with me.  I would love to do something with the both of them.  Get past some of this hella awkwardness.  He says he loves and cares for me, but she is his wife..... and i get that i don't want to be in the way.  I would just like to see him.

NOthing much to see here...

Today well is today... not much going on.  Gonna do some studying, kiddo is at her dads tonight so i may get to see the one that makes me googily eyed.  I really need a name for him, i will have to think on that.  

Today will be a good day....

 If i have to go stomp on people to make it a good one.  Today I will not take no for an answer.  And today i will remember who i am, and who i want to be.  Forget the crazy stepford wife that i was for all those years.  It did get me an amazing and wonderful kiddo that i wouldn't trade for the world, but the mental torture that he pulled for fun. yeah i will be recovering for years.  Thank god i have decent insurance and a great therapist.  I wonder if he realizes the longer he drags his feet signing the divorce papers, the longer he is paying for my therapy.  I think i will keep my lips shut on that one.